Alright, friends and family, let's say you are looking at a listing of classes taught at the Kulka night school. Which of the subjects offered in the listing about subjects we could teach would you sign up for?
I'll get it started by mentioning that I am torn between two. Oddly enough, they are unclogging a toilet, and learning how to draw. The first, because it would be so nice to know that finding a toilet clogged is not the end of the world. The second, because I would like to know I could draw something in a way that other people could recognize. Now that would be fun!
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Duct taping (in a mischievous manor) for me, please.
OK let's see, where do we begin...
First find a street with medium traffic flow (one way traffic is absolutely ideal).
Come prepared with roll of Duct tape and friends - make sure they like the thrill of mischief because goody goodies are never any fun in this situation.
When the street is empty, place a strip of Duct tape (I would recommend 4 to 5 ft. long) sticky side up, perpendicular to traffic passing by (so if we are comparing to street lines, the Duct tape would be placed at a right angle basically enabling cars to run over it).
Once the Duct tape article is placed in the correct manor, high tail it with your friends to the nearest hiding place and wait for your first victim.
Watch with glee as the target car roles over your Duct tape booby trap. The tape wraps around the car's tire. The sound this makes is EXACTLY like the sound of getting a flat tire. The motorist will promptly pull over to assess the damage, only to find a giant piece of tape stuck to their wheel. Their reactions are great - especially if they decide to just drive away with out pulling the tape off. You can hear the crinkling of the tape chirp as the car drives away. Or - just as great, they attempt to pry that impossible sticky stuff off making a very entertaining scene- it's a win-win situation and quite a bit of fun really.
Yes, this may be an exercise best suited for the most immature of twelve-year-olds...but I sure still get a kick out of it.
So there you have it, mischievous Duct taping. feel free if you have any questions or need of tips - I'll be happy to lend a hand.
I'm suddenly reminded of the scene in The Breakfast Club where each of the students is talking about their abilities. The jock says "I can tape all of your buns together."
Cody has inspired me. Unclogging a toilet:
First, your plunger has to have a large enough diameter to completely cover the hole in the bottom of the commode and make a good seal against the bowl. If it's too small it won't work, period. Go to the hardware store and invest in a proper plunger. Take pride in your tools. By the way, the short handled ones are for sinks. You don't want to be that close to a clogged toilet.
If there's a lot of paper floating in the bowl, it's best to remove it. It could increase the clog. Pretend you're the cotton candy vendor at the carnival and use your plunger to twirl up the paper. Untwirl into a plastic bag. If using a grocery bag, note that many have holes in the bottom. Don't turn it into a gross-ery bag.
If the toilet is full to the brim, the activity of plunging could make it dribble down the side. While it's tempting to go ahead, let it dribble and then make the perpetrator clean it for punishment, this is one place where it's better to live out your Christianity. Resist the temptation. Few toilets are plugged completely. Let it settle for awhile, (an hour or two if need be) and the level should go down a few inches.
On the other hand, if it's nearly empty, gently push the flush handle just until water starts running in. Do not allow it to go to full flush. You need enough to cover the bell of the plunger -- three or four inches deep is enough.
When the fluid level has been dealt with, insert your plunger into the muck. Center it on the hole in the bottom. Keep the handle perfectly vertical. You want to get the best seal between plunger and bowl.
Now gently push the handle down, expelling all of the air from the bell of the plunger. If you have a good seal, the plunger will now have suction-cupped itself to the bottom of the bowl. If it hasn't, you don't have a good seal. Work this out before continuing.
Now, apologize to God for praying for help with this odd and yucky thing, but nonetheless, do so. Then grasp the handle of the plunger with both hands and pull up firmly. There will be resistance. Pull against it. Reel in the marlin. When the plunger comes back to original shape and loses contact with the bowl, stop pulling up before the plunger bell breaks the surface of the water. This is not a water park. Splashing is bad.
The thing of it is, whatever is clogging the toilet got there by going down the drain. You want to pull it back up. So the important part of the plunging is the pull.
You may have to do this routine several times to loosen the clog.
If after four or five tries, that doesn't work, you may have to agitate the clog some. Again, seat the plunger and expel the air. Pull up, but not enough to lose the seal. Push down, but not enough to jostle the plunger bell and lose the seal. Now, pull up and down in that range slowly but consistently. One to two cycles per second is enough. You should hear water rushing up and down the pipe as you agitate. Do this for as long as you can maintain the seal. Hopefully at least 15 seconds. Now go back to the seat-expel-PULL routine.
Repeat as necessary.
At one point I had a clog so egregious that I purchased a toilet snake from the hardware store. This is a three foot plastic tube shaped like a "J". It has a six foot snake in it, and a turn handle at the top. You put the bent part of the "J" into the toilet drain, then turn the handle and let the snake draw itself into the drain. Once it's in, keep turning. If this doesn't pull the clog loose, pull the snake up and down through the plastic tube until it does.
Where the plunger has failed, the snake has always conquered. The reason I don't go to it first is that when finished, it's a bigger drippy mess than the plunger.
Once the clog is unseated, it will generally flush back down the toilet without incident. Often, I never see the clog surface. It unseats and goes back down the pipe without fanfare. If there is a big wad of paper that surfaces, use your plunger or snake to hook it and throw it into a plastic bag. No sense in tempting fate.
Once the clog is cleared, no matter which tool you used, leave it in the toilet for several flushings in order to rinse it off. Put it into a plastic bag to take it back down to the garage.
When all that's done, have your assistant clean the toilet and the floor below it, and the wallpaper if you inadvertently splashed -- unless you're the dad, in which case you get to do the clean up as well.
Finally, go downstairs, gather the family around and give a brief but stern lecture about the cost of toilet paper and being cavalier about clogging the toilet. Remind them how lucky they are that you can solve this problem for them, and that they don't have to wait for a plumber, nor pay his exhorbitant bill. Ensure others that they will be your intern next time this happens. You'll know this step is done when their eyes glaze over and they start mouthing the words to the lecture as you speak them.
Finally, here are some tips I've picked up from plumbers along the way:
Ladies should not deposit tampons in the commode. The string catches on junctions in the plumbing, then the, er, cottony part gathers flotsam, creating a nice clog.
Q-tips also should not go in the commode. They can lodge in the diameter of the pipe and gather flotsam.
The garbage disposal is mainly for fruit and vegetable matter, and meat will generally clear it okay. It's not for large bunches of starch. If you dump a pot of pasta in the disposal, the pasta and water, blended nicely by the disposal, turn back into dough and will make a formidable clog. We've had the same issue with french fries and Tater Tots (tm).
Next week's lesson: How NOT to check when a diaper needs changing.
Thanks, Matt. That went well with my breakfast.
I asked for this info, and find that my next move will be to HAVE NEILL READ IT. Shameless, I admit, and a ruination to women's lib. But at least I know how it should be done.
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